Baby Makes 4

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Baby Makes 4

Rachel Rainbolt, M.A., CEIM
www.OhanaWellness.com

“We did it!” exclaimed 2-year-old Tara as her baby brother emerged into the world, the joy and excitement telling of the emotional depth formed around their sibling bond.

“At first, when Sky came out, Tara looked a little stunned, and when I caught her eyes, I said "we did it" - because she was in and out with me throughout the entire labor, laying with me, rubbing my tummy, asking the baby to come out,” explains Rancho Penasquitos mother to Tara, Laura Bautista.

Compare that to the cliché and sadly common, “Take him back” that many new parents are faced with when they bring home a little stranger from the hospital, expecting sudden and instantaneous love. Your bond with your child is sacred. Your relationship with your only child is filled with that staple one-on-one attention. He is the center of your universe. The sun rises and sets with his spirit and now that you are bringing him a brother you are terrified. You always wanted to give him a sibling, a best friend, a lifelong connection to walk through the world with. The thought of adding to your family brought visions of a fuller life and a fuller heart but that was all when it was just theory. Now that the time is approaching the realities of the way his life and your life will change is hitting you like a truck. A big heavy truck filled with guilt, uncertainty, and fear. This truck, though painted in hope and brimming with potential leaves you feeling like you’re standing in the middle of the road at night and it is speeding toward you. The headlights are the excitement beaming from you, family, friends, and the world around you, almost blinding. And then it hits you. You look at your adorable, perfect son in whom you have invested so much and as you become overwhelmed with thoughts of the new baby you feel the impact. Like a heavy rock in the pit of your stomach, an emotional wave, and a minor panic attack all rolled in to one.

While it’s true that a lot will change, take a deep breath! Feel the love you have for your first born and your new baby pumping through your veins and know that that will never change. But no matter how great of a mother or father you are, your first born is going to get less attention. There’s just no way around it. The key is to shift some of their attachment from you to their new baby. So that while he is losing some of you and there will be some mourning of that on both your parts, he will also simultaneously gain a whole new bond. Here’s how to get in the driver’s seat, make the ride a positive experience for everyone, and end up at a good destination.

Select a big brother-friendly care practitioner: It is important to find a big brother-friendly OB/GYN or midwife. Discuss your hopes and expectations right from the beginning so that you can ensure that you have a care provider on the same page. This includes the facility where you will be giving birth. If you are giving birth in a hospital or birth center, make sure you discuss in great detail with your doctor, midwife, and the facility personnel your big brother-friendly plans. Be prepared to think outside the box. It’s worth it to fight for what you think is in the best interest of your family.

Bring her to your prenatal appointments: Big sister doesn’t have to attend every appointment but there are two main values to this. First, prenatal appointments are big bonding opportunities. Big sister can hear the heartbeat, help measure your belly, even see the baby on a sonogram. Second, you are choosing the path of “taking care of baby doesn’t mean abandoning you.” If you start off your mother-of-two journey under this parenting paradigm, you will send a clear and comforting message to big sister, build your relational dynamics around it, and likely continue it after birth. The role of your child at these appointments will vary depending on their age. If they are very young they can sit on your chest and talk with you while you lay down. If they are a little older they can sit in a chair next to your head and munch on cheerios or stand next to you and hold your hand. Whatever specifics work best for you, what’s important is that you are involving big sister in as much of the appointment as possible.

Watch his birth video: Little ones love to watch their birth video. It is a movie in which they are the star! If you don’t have a video of the blessed event, put the photos of the day they were born in a child-friendly album.
If you are reading this thinking, “Oh my. Is she serious?!” Then you need a reality check. Babies are not flown in by the stork. And if you do not harness the amazing bonding potential of the birth, you are cheating both your children out of a valuable bonding experience. If watching the video or looking at the photos elicits a reaction from you of pain and disgust, your child will pick up on that. In addition to hurting their feelings, they will redirect all of those feelings onto the birth of their new sibling. Your child will take their cues from you on how to feel about birth. While watching the video and looking at photos with your child, tap into the pride, reverence, and love of the experience. If the thought of watching the video of your baby being born makes you uncomfortable then you shouldn’t have a baby because guess what? That baby in your belly will most likely come out your vagina. That’s right, I said vagina. It’s not a cuss word and if you want your child to be comfortable and excited to welcome their new baby into the world then you need to be comfortable and excited.

Talk about the birth: Don’t distract from questions about the birth- dive in. Allow your child to lead the conversation and give age appropriate answers that prepare your child for the pregnancy and birth they too are a part of experiencing. Give complete and honest answers. It is helpful to try to think about the birth experience from your child’s perspective. What things would be scary or confusing? For example, when Mommy has tummy squeezes she might roar like a lion. When babies come out they are all red and slimy from swimming around in Mommy’s belly. What is a hospital or birth center and why are you there? Watching your child’s birth video or looking at the photos is a great way to facilitate these conversations as these questions will naturally come up in the context of their successful birth. Seeing birth for the first time in the context of their birth story will prevent any resentment around “what the baby did to Mommy.”

Include him in the nesting process: When registering, allow him to scan some things he would like for his baby and some things he might need in his new role as big brother (ex: a new toy to play with when baby needs Mommy’s hands, eyes, and words, a big brother shirt, a special baby blanket he can use to cover baby’s legs when he thinks they are cold). Do some special things together like painting a picture for her room or building bears (let him build one for little sister and big brother). Include big brother in painting, putting together furniture, picking a room, etc. Making room in your house for baby is a huge and relevant metaphor for making room for baby in your life and in your heart.
Belly Love
Establish her new identity as big sister: If you plan on just getting bigger under the radar, dropping her off at grandma’s, and picking her up with a baby, you are setting yourself and her up for failure. Just like having a baby changes who you are, it changes who your child is. She is no longer just Mommy’s daughter, she is baby’s big sister. You have 9 months to mold a new, positive narrative for your child around being a big sister and you will need every single day of that 9 months. The power of language cannot be underestimated. It is not your baby, it is “our” baby. Take it a step further and construct an identity not just of a big sister but a good big sister. Look for any and all of the little positive things she does for baby already and build on them. For example, if you are walking through an aisle in store and she says, “Mommy, can we get that for Baby because it’s purple and I think he will like purple.” Reflect that back to her and being a good big sister! “Oh you are such a good big sister to be thinking that he might want to have that.” Even very little ones can follow you in singing a song to Baby while in your belly and then be praised. Hold your little one’s hand and stroke your belly saying, “gently, gently baby, gentle.” Do the same with baby dolls. Buy some! And role play the behavior you would like to see. “Baby sleeping, shhhhhh (little ones love to make the shhhh sound).”

Make as many lifestyle adjustments as possible before baby arrives: Will you be changing strollers? Do it well before the baby comes (“You’re such a big boy now you can have a bench seat!”).    A perfect example of this is the car. My husband or I always used to ride in the backseat with my son. Once I was about 5 months pregnant we stopped riding in the backseat. We said absolutely nothing about the baby. We just “needed more room.” When I was about 6 months along we moved his seat to the side so he could “see out the window.” When I was about 7 months we installed the baby car seat and allowed him to use it for his “guys” and dolls. When it was sunny we would close the shade and when it was cold we would use the cover. By the time I was 9 months pregnant he thought his spot in the car was “his spot” (not that he was ousted to make room for baby), he was over (bored with) playing with the car seat and used to its presence. So when Bailey was born, there was a place in the car, and his heart, for his new baby brother.

Include big brother in the birth: The level of inclusion will vary from family to family and child to child but a big brother who is involved in the birth is invested in the baby. If you labor for 36 hours and end with a c-section, big brother is obviously not going to be present for every minute or even every hour. But he should be involved as much as possible. The key is that he feels that he is contributing to bringing the baby into the world. He can roar with you like a lion at home with you while you labor. He can pack a big brother bag while you pack yours. He can rest with you while you rest and most importantly, he can fill the room with his love where baby will be born. He can put his new baby blanket on baby after he is born. These are all just ideas but you can tailor the specifics to your child and family. He should feel completely welcome, like the space and experience belong to him too while free to move in and out of what can be a lengthy process.

I gave birth to my second at Scripps La Jolla. My 2-year-old (almost 3) son was right there, kissing me and holding my hand. He was beaming with excitement and bursting with love when his little brother was born. Part of our birth plan was that my mother would be his caregiver. We worked out with the hospital that he could be present at all times (approved by my doctor) as long as he had a designated, responsible caregiver (other than me or my husband).   He was there with us all day, celebrating with our extended family and when nighttime rolled around, we pushed the cot over to the hospital bed, lowered the rail on that one side, and all slept together in a family bed. It was beautiful and complete. Disclaimer: The nursing staff said that as long as our son was “invisible” (quiet, well-behaved, and stayed in the room), they would look the other way when visiting hours ended.

One important aspect to having your child present at a birth is having a caregiver for him. My mother and son are very close and so she was a natural choice for his caregiver during the birth. We discussed at great length over the course of the pregnancy what our vision was for the birth and his role in it. Her job was to follow his lead. Since my husband and I were busy brining life into the world, her job was to stay closely in tune with him and follow his cues. If he wanted to talk, she could talk to him. If he wanted to go outside and play, she could take him outside. If he wanted to lay on the bed with Mommy, she could give him a boost. If he was hungry, she could feed him. She knew our priority was for him to be present and involved and that that priority was second to meeting his needs in the moment.

Allow for regression: It is common for a recently potty-trained child to revert after the birth of a baby. Baby gets all the attention and so big sister wants to be more like a baby. She may cry, whine, crawl, and even want to sleep with you. It is important that if you experience regression with your big sister to not shame or punish the behavior. This will only feed the problem (the emotional and physical distance between you and your former baby). Instead, give her extra attention and rewards for desired behaviors (positive reinforcement). And accept the behavior for what it is communicating- she needs more baby-type attention. I used to always wrap my 3-year-old big brother in his favorite blanket and carry him around like a baby. He would think it was great for about 3 minutes and then he wanted to jump down, run away, and play. He needed just enough to fill up his love cup and then he was fine. Withholding requested attachment behaviors only amplifies the insecurity of your bond and increases the regression.

Another common example of this that you don’t hear as much about is with breastfeeding. Your long-ago weaned big sister may ask to nurse again. Just think about all that cuddle time baby now gets! Breastfeeding is a special bonding activity and big sister knows it. She may feel left out and want to be included. This is nothing to be ashamed of or punished for. Let big sister know that Mommy milk is specially made just for babies’ tummies but if she would like a taste to remember, that is okay. You can add a little, “Not as good as the chocolate milk big girls get to drink, is it?” But it is important that you not make a big deal out of it. If you make a big deal of Mommy milk being only for babies and not for her then you will create an issue where there need not be one. If you give it lots of attention or devote a lot of talking to it, you make a big deal out of it. If you act like it’s not a big deal, then she will think it’s not a big deal and lose interest. Make sure you include a space for her in your nursing nest (a couch instead of a chair, one arm for her, etc.) so that she can feel like she is a part of the special bonding without the actual act of breastfeeding.

Allow room for negative feelings: If your child is feeling some negative feelings, help her to identify and articulate (express) what she is feeling. Reflect it back to her and validate it. “You are feeling jealous because Daddy came home from work and held Baby first. That would probably make me feel jealous too. Would you like to tell Daddy how you’re feeling?” It’s not important to solve the problem or remedy the situation. You will probably not be able to. The point is just to listen and empathize. If your child is up for it you can even take it a step further and brainstorm. “Is there anything we can do to make it better next time? How about if Baby gets the first hug and you get the first kiss?”

Babywearing: Wearing your baby frees your hands and much of your attention for big brother while meeting all of the needs of your baby.

Let go of the guilt: There is no guilt like mother guilt! But to be a good parent you can’t let the guilt take up too much space in your heart. It uses up emotional energy that you could be expending on both your little ones. Guilt does have a purpose. It’s like an internal system of checks and balances. For example, you feel the tug of guilt telling you to spend more time with your child when you see they need it. But you are only one person, you are not perfect, and you must allow yourself that forgiveness. Give guilt the place within you it warrants. Be in touch with it but don’t let it whisper in your ear and dominate your self-worth and especially your identity as a mother.

Massage: Those of you who have taken the Sensational Baby class have experienced firsthand how infant massage can be an amazingly effective vehicle for attachment. You can see, in a very concrete way, how all of your interaction affects your little one and vice and versa. Well, the same is true for siblings but even more so! Children often struggle to interact with Baby in a sensitive way. More specifically, they do not know how to read Baby’s cues and respond appropriately. As one mom shared in class the other day, “She loves him so much so she’ll go to hug him and squeeze his face right into her belly and then just drop him back with a big grin on her face.” Your little big brother or sister probably loves their new baby a lot but putting yourself behind someone else’s eyes, especially someone who doesn’t communicate in an obvious manner, is something that they must learn. Infant massage is a great way to really introduce your baby, not just as a needy blob you love but as a person, to your child. Doing this will open the two of them up to a world of safe and sensitive interaction that builds an identity as a positive, competent, and loving big sister or brother.

Massage your child. As a recipient of loving touch your child will be better able to get behind the eyes of Baby during this special time.
Lay your baby down in front of you and encourage little big sister or brother to sit next to you with a baby doll lying in front of her. This will have the added benefit of opening your special bonding time with baby to include your other child.
As you massage your baby, encourage your child to massage their doll (or stuffed animal) in the same manner. As you are massaging your baby, ask your child questions such as:
Do you think Baby likes it?
How do you know?
What do you see or hear that tells you Baby likes it?
What do you think it means when Baby does that?
What should I massage next?
Should I massage harder or softer?
How do you think Baby is feeling now?
How would we know if it was hurting?
How would we know if Baby was tired/hungry/wanted to be held?
Invite your child to massage Baby’s leg. The legs are the part of the body with which babies are most adventurous. They are also a part of the body on which there is a greater chance of success and a minimal chance of damage. We want your child to be successful so they can build on even one moment of success. If your child only has a 3 minute attention span, invite her to do one stroke and remember to start with resting hands and ask permission. As she massages, point out all of the cues Baby is giving her, “Oh look how his arm just relaxed to the side. That means you are making him feel so good and relaxed. He really likes your gentle touch.” “Do you hear him making that grunting noise? What could that mean? Look at his mouth open like that. Maybe he needs a milk break. “
Expand this interact beyond infant massage and build on the compassionate sibling relationship.

I have had a lot of successes and challenges as a parent but one of my greatest sources of pride is the relationship between my two sons. I went through the fear and anxiety but I tried to channel that energy into fostering the bond between my Skyler and his new baby brother. The destination was worth every bit of the forethought and energy. The relationship you foster between your first born and your baby will last the rest of their lives- even long after you’re gone. Lay the foundation for a loving, supportive bond and you will give them both a gift that is unrivaled in this world and that will last a lifetime.

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